Good Parents Canada

by Katrina Norman
There is a very simple, painless process of giving your child the attitude adjustment he or she may need. It all starts with you, yes you.

1. write down a list of exactly what the child is doing that bothers you. Be specific. Go with: He doesn’t use his manners at meal time; rather than: He’s rude. If he doesn’t use his manners at all, then list the times when he should that he doesn’t.

2. keep a journal (not just a mental note) for about a week, writing down the times and events that are upsetting to you. No alteration in your current discipline is necessary at this point. You are simply making observations. This is a very important part of the process, please don’t just skip over it or tell yourself you’ll write it down later.

3. review what you have observed. Did Billy hit Jimmy at 11:00 am? Did Sally bite Jill at 8 am over a toy they both wanted? What you are looking for here is a pattern. Does your child display the same type of behavior around the same time every day?

Sometimes children act out because they have not yet mastered the self control or communication skills they need to handle certain situations. For example: Billy might be misbehaving around the same time every day because he’s hungry for lunch and doesn’t like the way it feels, so his temper flairs.
Sally might be biting because she wants to play with a toy and hasn’t learned how to verbalize what she wants yet.
Is it possible that your child might be hungry, tired, or trying to communicate during these times of frustration and misbehavior?

4. Now that you’ve reviewed what you have observed its time to make a game plan. If you have figured out that Billy might be hungry try feeding him a more filling snack at snack time, or serving lunch a little sooner. Perhaps you could reschedule your morning routine to involve quiet reading at that time to help quiet and calm an otherwise exited part of the day.

Children aren’t little adults. They are learning, growing, and exploring their environments every moment of every day. They are testing boundaries, limitations, reactions, cause and effect, and so much more. Be sure that you take a deep breath and remember that sometimes, even though YOU might know better; the truth is they might not.

Even older children need help with finding words sometimes. You might be surprised to see just how helpful it is when you give them words to use. Ask them how they feel, give them a short list of emotions to choose from if necessary. Ask them leading questions to help.
hem open up. “Are you mad about….”, “Are you sad because…”, you aren’t in a courtroom; there is no leading the witness here. You have to look at the surrounding area and make the best guess you can about why the child is feeling the way they do. Help them work through it. Sometimes being understood is all they need at that moment.

Children need to know they are loved and accepted. As strange as it sounds, kids would rather have negative attention than no attention at all. You can change your child’s behavior by changing the way you talk to them. Tell them what they can do, instead of what they can’t. Find something they are doing right and praise them for it as often as you can.

Make it a goal to find 10 good things for every 1 bad thing. They will go where the attention is.

What they can do, instead of what they can’t:

-Walk in the house, instead of: no running!
-Inside voices please, instead of: be quiet!
-Touch nice, instead of: no hitting
-Use nice words, instead of: don’t talk like that!

For everything your child does there is a way to communicate it in a more positive light, it might be difficult to make the adjustment at first, but it’s worth it!

Instead of yelling and getting frustrated because Tommy is running up and down the hallway, jumping on the bed, or playing ball in the house; say something like: “That’s outside behavior. If you want to run you need to go outside.”
What you have just done is given him empowerment to still run. You didn’t scold him for making a mistake or forgetting the rules. You told him that what he was doing was acceptable, as well as showing him where his actions were acceptable.

Finding things they are doing right:

Don’t be afraid of sounding silly here. Kids love silly, they love attention, interaction, and praise!

-Great job getting dressed all by yourself! (even if you helped a little, you don’t need the credit for it that badly do you?)
-Great job going potty on the toilet! (or) great job for trying!
-Wow, what a big helper, thank you so much for putting your dish in the sink!
-Awesome job putting your clothes in the dirty basket!
-Way to go! You sure are good at tying shoes.

On occasion you might find that they resist you on some subjects, like cleaning their room.
While as an adult you can walk into a room and pick out what goes where, it’s harder for a child to do. That big old mess is just too overwhelming for them. Help them, not by doing it for them, but showing them how to get it done.
-see if you can find all the blocks.
where do they go?
-oh, I see some books. Can you find all the books?
-I spy some dirty socks.
-There are six pony’s on the floor. Can you find all six?

Once you break it down into step by step instructions for them, praise them after every completed task. When the room is all finished it’s time for hugs, kisses, or high fives. Give them chances to succeed. Give them chances to make you proud.

The last thing I will touch on here is: Kids learn by example.
Do you use your manners or just expect them to?
Do you yell when you are upset and now they do too?
Do you share?
Do you show your child how to respect, or is it just something you tell them they should have for you without really knowing what it means?

When asking them to complete a task or a chore toss some manners in. You don’t have to form it into a question, because then they have been given the idea that they can say “no”.
Try this:
-It’s time to clean your room now please.
-Come to dinner please.
-Thank you for putting your jacket away.
-Thank you for buckling up.

Remind them gently when they should be using their manners. If they should be saying “thank you” for something, try saying “you’re welcome” as a prompt. If they should be thanking someone else for something try: “Wasn’t it nice of Sally to share her snack with you?”

*Repetition is key. Your child will test to see if you stick by what you do, or if it’s a flexible issue. Make sure that “NO” means “NO”. Just as importantly, if not more so; make sure that if you say you will do something you do it. Respect is built on trust. If they can’t trust what you say how can you expect them to respect you?

Nothing you do will change things over night. It takes effort on your part to lead by example, give them the tools they need to succeed, and remembering that you are the adult (even when you don’t want to be sometimes).
I have been taking care of children since I was 13 years old, first babysitting, then as a nanny. I became a mother of 5, and was a preschool teacher for 8 years. In all my years of raising and helping to raise children I have never encountered a child who didn’t benefit from the tools I have listed above.
Breath, relax, and ask for help if you need it. It will be alright, you’ll see.